


nothing twice

by heonied



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Memory Loss, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:53:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heonied/pseuds/heonied
Summary: „No day copies yesterday,no two nights will teach what bliss isin precisely the same way,with precisely the same kisses.”Every morning Hyungwon wakes up without remembering the previous day.And every day Changkyun has to make him fall in love, all over again.





	nothing twice

Changkyun feels the rays of sunshine burn his face through the window, blinding him and forcing him to open his sleepy eyes. He rubs at them lazily, stretching his body on the bed with a quiet sigh.

Hyungwon isn't awake yet.

Changkyun smiles softly at the sight before him, the tall slim boy lying wrapped around and tugged into the sheets, one of his legs lazily thrown over near to Changkyun's. He wants to reach over and tug Hyungwon's pretty face in his hands, place soft kisses all over it, trace his fingers over the soft cheeks that he loves so much. Wake the other boy up by pressing their lips together just one more time. But he can't.

Sadness and exhaustion settling in his mind he gets up and sits down on the edge of the mattress, his legs flopping lazily as he reaches over to the nightstand. He picks up the colourful file and places it on the now empty spot on the bed next to Hyungwon's body.

He leaves the room to make them breakfast.

About an hour later he hears the bedroom door creak open slowly, and sees Hyungwon enter the room. He is shy, scared, confused, all of this written on his face clearly for Changkyun to read. Or maybe he just knows this routine by heart now. Knows the exact words that will come out of his lover's mouth within the next few minutes. _Are you Changkyun? This can't be real. This is fucked up. Is this a joke?_

Changkyun stands up to face Hyungwon and the other boy doesn't move from where he's standing in the doorway. He just stares at him blankly, eyebrows furrowed, the file that Changkyun despises so much held by a firm grip of his hand. 

"Is this a joke?"

"It isn't. Come eat breakfast with me." 

It usually takes hours for them to be able to talk normally. Hours filled with Changkyun's quiet internal suffering. Moments where he wants to scream and cry in frustration at something Hyungwon says, the boy not realising how much some of his words hurt the younger. 

But it's not his fault, Changkyun knows. He could never blame him. 

And Changkyun with his pained heart makes every day count. Every day he makes Hyungwon fall for him, every day a different way, a different reaction from the other, a different touch and a different kiss but never true love. No matter how hard he tries he does not have enough time to make Hyungwon love him. 

And that's what hurts him the most, that's what tears at his heart and rips it out, mercilessly. When they're in bed, Hyungwon thrusting into him with passion but never with love. When they go out on continuous first dates, when Hyungwon holds his hand while walking down the street, it's never with love. When the older boy kisses him and makes him lose his breath, when his heart beats out of his chest, Hyungwon doesn't love him. When Changkyun cries into his arms and he pets his hair, cooeing and whispering pretty words, it's never out of love.

It's pity, it's guilt, it's curiousity and sexual attraction. And it's so selfish on Hyungwon's part.

But he never blames him. 

Changkyun is tired of telling the same old stories, no matter how wonderful they are, how beautiful and pure and how they remind him of better times. It hurts because Hyungwon does not remember them. 

They're lying in bed, that same day and Hyungwon holds him close to his chest, his heartbeat loudly spreading through Changkyun's mind, the thumping almost melodic and soothing and Changkyun appreciates this moment. He appreciates how close Hyungwon is, the man's hot breath on his neck, hands wrapped around his back gently touching his skin. 

"It must be so hard." Hyungwon says suddenly, breaking the silence.

"To do this every day, it must be so hard. Why do you do it?" he sounds so broken Changkyun wants to cry. Hyungwon's hand goes up to his head and his fingers gently dig into his hair as he presses his plump lips to the top of Changkyun's head. He can't see the man's face but he can imagine his pained expression all too well.

"Because I love you." the boy responds quietly but honestly and hears Hyungwon inhale and press his body even closer to him. 

"You are so brave." he comments shortly as Changkyun presses his cheek close to Hyungwon's chest. 

Hyungwon leans back and brings his slim fingers up to the younger boy's chin, tilting it up gently to look him in the eyes. 

"I am so lucky to have you." he says and Changkyun can see today hit him harder than some of the other days. 

Some days it gets so bad. Some days he doesn't believe him. Angry, so angry, confused and lost and Changkyun cries himself to sleep on the couch. 

Tonight is good. It feels safe and peaceful and the thought that it will end in just a few hours terrifies him. 

He tries to dismiss these thoughts and brings himself up the bed to kiss Hyungwon. 

His lover returns it, his plump lips just as talented in making Changkyun lose his mind as always. They kiss for minutes, passionately, Hyungwon's tongue tracing lines all around his mouth, his teeth, licking at his bottom lip only to bite it a second later and make Changkyun hiss. The boy brings his hands to the older man's neck, pressing himself closer and asking for more. 

Hyungwon's hands trail gentle lines down his back and sides and Changkyun tries to ignore the ticklish feeling they give him. Hyungwon suddenly deepens the kiss, tongue sliding in further and Changkyun moans in surprise. It's dirty and uncoordinated and he loves it so much. It feels raw and real and when Hyungwon pulls away only to look the boy deep in the eyes, his gaze calm and warm, Changkyun thinks for a moment that maybe he does love him back. 

A tear falls down his face involuntarily when he hears Hyungwon snore against his chest and he wraps his hands around him tightly, trying to take in and remember the warmth of his bare torso, the heavy breaths and the smell of his soft pink hair. 

 

Another morning, same as always but different as always. Always different in some way.

Hyungwon wakes up first. His confused terrified whimpers make Changkyun wake up right after and he goes straight into trying to calm the boy down, keeping his distance to give him as much personal space as possible. He brings out the file and watches Hyungwon read through it, eyebrows furrowed, shaking his head as he scans his eyes through all the pictures. All the pictures of them smiling, happy, in love. All the moments Changkyun misses so much. 

"This is so fucked up." Hyungwon says after he's done and Changkyun remains quiet. 

Hyungwon isn't easily convinced or just doesn't want to accept it. He leaves within the next hour, his light pink hair styled so that it reveals his forehead, one strand falling lazily in the middle. He wears the black leather jacket Changkyun had bought him for his last birthday but he doesn't know. 

The boy reminds him to be safe and come home before it gets late but he doesn't seem to be listening.

Changkyun is left alone in the apartment, sitting on the couch in complete silence. He considers going to sleep and drowning all his thoughts in the sweet waters of his dreamland but he knows he can't.

He works for about 5 hours, finishing up the projects that have been slightly overdue for the last week and sending them to his boss with sincere apologies. 

Hyungwon still isn't back. He can't help but worry, worry so much he feels like he's gonna get sick. 

Coincidentally he gets a call from a friend, wanting to check up on him and invite him out but Changkyun refuses, saying he's staying in with Hyungwon today and that _yes_ , today is one of the good days. He lies, of course. He is so tired of pity. Jooheon is happy hearing that from him and wishes them the best, ending the call with a cheerful and sincere 'have fun you two' and Changkyun thanks him before throwing himself back on that godforsaken couch. 

He leaves the house to do some grocery shopping, taking a walk instead of calling for a taxi so he can breathe in the fresh autumn air for a bit. The streets are lively and cheerful, some sort of festival happening somewhere further down the road, lots of children happily roaming around and when a little boy bumps into him and accidently drops his ice cream because of it, Changkyun offers to buy him a new one and his mother thanks him kindly as he returns her warm smile.

He comes home and Hyungwon still isn't there. 

He tries calling but his calls are getting rejected and Changkyun makes himself something to eat as he sniffles softly over the kitchen counter. 

He comes out of the shower at the exact same time he hears the front door close and he hurriedly puts on a shirt and boxers to come see if his boyfriend is okay.

Hyungwon doesn't say anything, just walks up to him grabbing his face in both of his hands and kisses him passionately, almost aggresively and Changkyun just lets him, because he loves him and knows it's not his fault.

Hyungwon is silent and eager but careful at the same time as his hands slide underneath Changkyun's shirt, playful but gentle. He places kisses up his neck and whispers a silent broken "I'm sorry."

Changkyun doesn't say anything just lets himself be taken and devoured as Hyungwon fucks him into the mattress that night, his soul going to oblivion and back as his lover's body makes him forget about everything else on earth and reach relief Changkyun didn't know he's needed this badly.

They both fall asleep almost at the same time, exhausted, and Changkyun doesn't have time to think about what tomorrow will bring.

 

 "Tell me about yesterday." Hyungwon asks as they're eating dinner together, on opposite sides of the small table Changkyun insisted they buy for their flat.

"Do you really wanna know? I shouldn't say such dirty things over dinner." he replies casually and Hyungwon breaks out in a soft chuckle.

"Oh?" he raises his eyebrows, a wide smile remaining on his face. He chews his food in silence for a couple of seconds, deeply in thought. "Am I good?" he suddenly asks looking up and Changkyun almost chokes on his noodles. 

"Hmm?" Hyungwon presses "Do I make you feel good?"

And Changkyun feels his stomach tie in a knot as a blush rises to his cheeks, as if he was a teenager again and this truly was his first time meeting Hyungwon.

He tilts his head and laughs softly, looking over at his boyfriend. 

"Yes." he states confidently. "You do."

"Good." Hyungwon says quietly focusing back on his plate. "I better."

That evening they make love. That's what Changkyun calls it. Not sex, but _more_. It is intimate, breathtaking and beautiful. Hyungwon is gentle, his kisses fitting perfectly against every bit of Changkyun's pale skin. He praises him, makes him feel like he's worth everything, every little compliment making the boy's breath hitch. When he comes it feels liberating, refreshing and it gives him a new kind of hope that he needed so much.

 

"Changkyunnie, I love you." they are lying in bed again at the end of the day, next to each other, the only safe place and time Changkyun knows. "You know I love you so much, right?" he doesn't say anything and Hyungwon forces him to look him in the eye, something so pure and beautiful hidden deep within those dark irises.

"I love you, I know that." he repeats himself. "How could I ever forget that? How could I forget how much you mean to me?" his voice is desperate, filled with so many emotions. It's not often Changkyun gets to see him like this. The boy's heart clenches and he wants to tell Hyungwon everything that's on his mind, wants to cry for hours as his love kisses his tears away. But he just listens.

Hyungwon sighs, the right sentences clearly starting to prove more difficult to form. 

"Whatever I do tomorrow, however I act... Promise me you'll remember this." he gently hovers his mouth above the boy's cheek and presses it close for a couple of seconds, his eyes gently squeezing together. 

"I love you." he repeats one more time.

And Changkyun believes him.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in 2 hours and now my mind is in a strange sad place. i hope you enjoy. inspired by the quote in the summary from a poem i read today in school. been itching to write this down ever since then.


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